All right y’all; I am really on one today…
I may or may not be iPhone application challenged. And by challenged, I mean I don’t really give a shit enough to download any new “cool” applications unless I am required to for some reason or another. With that being said, I recently stumbled across a little gem of an app called “Pandora.” I told ya, challenged. As I entered all my favorite artists, I was so excited. Given that it is the holiday season, one of my first genres to type in was HOLIDAY. (I have a bunch of dear friends that are Jewish so, I refuse to type in Christmas.) It was then that I discovered a hidden jewel: *NSYNC Holiday. TAKE A DEEP BREATH, GIRLS. I know the thought of Justin Timberlake with his beautiful jheri curl (this is the correct spelling by the way) in mid 90’s just makes you want to take your bra off and swing it around your head, but please refrain. Anyway, as I am listening to all the wonderful songs on *NSYNC Holiday, I get the bright idea to type in 98 Degrees, Christina (X-Tina, if you prefer) Aguilera, and Britney Spears. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE FROM THAT POINT ON.
For all of you that are challenged like me and do not know much about Pandora, basically, it takes the artist, genre, whatever that you type in and it plays tracks that are relative to whatever you typed in. Case and Point: I typed in 98 Degrees and I got songs from Boyz II Men, Backstreet Boys (I know, I know…If 98 Degrees knew their archrival, BSB, was on their Pandora station, they would be P-aaaaa-iiiissssseeedddd), and NKOTHB. C’mon, you know, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! Speaking of, I just have to say…OMG JORDAN KNIGHT, I STILL LOVE YOU AND YOUR RAT’S TAIL EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE LIKE 45 NOW! I had the Barbie version of him… so what? Back to the point… as I am hearing all these songs by my favorite childhood groups, I go stark raving mad… just straight tearing it up on Pandora. My Pandora stations now include the likes of Christina Aguilera, 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, Boyz II Men, All-4-One, Jesse McCartney, O-ZONE, etc.
As I am rocking out to all my favorite melodic tunes from the 90’s, I start to notice a very strange pattern that I obviously never noticed when I was 13 because I was not near as corrupt, damaged, or witty at that age as I obviously am now. What I encountered is very disturbing so please brace yourself all you girls that were teenagers (or almost) in the 90’s. The pattern is this: There is a bunch of twenty-year-old men singing about how girls broke their hearts.
This is where “people that need a roundhouse kick to the [insert area here]” comes in to play. Who in the hell decided it was a great idea to market men singing about how they love women so much to girl children? That person deserves a roundhouse. Who thought it was a great idea to put out the 98 Degrees song “I Do”? Girls, you know it takes a threat to leave and a knife to the you know what to get a 20 something to say that shit. I mean, who thought this was a good idea? Basically, you jackholes thought it was cool to expose me to false advertising. You promoted songs to my very young, very hormonal generation of the Backstreet Boys singing “Quit Playing Games With My Heart.” Boy, you know I was never playing games with your heart. You were just playing games with Cassie Cheerleader’s you know what. And then shortly after that, I hear BSB singing “As Long As You Love Me.” OH HELL NO! You are going to tell me you don’t care what I did or what I said as long as I love you? Of course you do, you were doing what you did and what you said to Cassie Cheerleader, but expected me not to do what I did and what I said to John the Jock? Then I hear 98 Degrees singing “Invisible Man.” I didn’t realize this then, but there is no way in HELL that Nick Lachey would ever be invisible to any female on this planet, but I felt for him. I thought (as a 13 year old) our gender is horrible. We are Manizers. Then I hear *NSYNC sing “Everything I Own.” Oh dear heavenly father, I am so sorry, but I lost my cool (like I had a cool to begin with). These men are telling me they would give up everything they owned just to have me. WHAT?! At thirteen, I was like, “Oh boy, I know you are out there. I am going to track yo ass down!” Now as a twenty-something, I am pissed. I have been looking for your ass for 12 years and I have not found you yet. Where are you hiding?
Oh whoa there, Nelly. They aren’t hiding. I might have missed a key point if I hadn’t switched to my B. Spears or X-Tina station. I start listening to all the people I wanted to be as a child… no not Whitney Houston or someone who could actually sing, but it’s Britney, Bitch… duh. Is it a little coincidental that X-Tina and Britney were singing about everything but love? I mean all these douchebags are singing about how they love me and my idol is singing about how they are cool alone? I mean X-Tina just proved to me on Pandora why she was a “Fighter” and Britney definitely proved to me why she could locate and trick the “Womanizer”. These women were prominent in my life, but not as prominent as all the men singing to me about how they had loved and missed me and wish I had acknowledged their existence.
Out there, somewhere (I see you, Lou Pearlman)…these corrupt individuals (that need a severe roundhouse) taught me that men are sweet and sing lovely songs about how much they love, miss, and need me. WAKE UP CALL TO GIRLS LIKE ME: THEY ARE NOT AND DO NO SUCH THING!!!!! Surprised? I know, me too. The fact of the matter is, as a child, I was duped by a role reversal (which might be what is wrong with my generation). The boy bands were singing about how they loved me, and the girls were singing about how they didn’t give a shit. HINT: I probably should have listened to the girls. I grew up thinking that men were outspoken about their feelings. I mean up until a year ago I was waiting for my ex-boyfriend to say, “My loneliness is killing me, and I….I must confess I still believe (still believe) when I’m not with you I lose my mind…Give me a sign”. Well I hate to burst your and my bubble, but that shit NEVER HAPPENED. You know why? Because real men do not say that shit! WE WERE DUPED.
You (whoever you are that decided to promote this kind of music to me as a child) deserve a roundhouse kick to the TWO BROTHERS!
